Sometimes, there are things that we want to say, messages that we're aching to convey, and yet, we cannot put them into words.
But I'll try.
Those times, when you chance across an old friend on a bus, or when you look out of windows into deep dark nights, the feeling is inexplicable. The familiarity of comfort, the comfort of familiarity. The familiar yet unknown - the adventure that's waiting to happen. Uncertain emotions. What happens? What adventure? Should I go up and say hi? Or should I just smile? What does the night have? What are the wild things waiting to burst forth? Old memories. New ones. Change.
It's like this - the torrents of thoughts pour forth. The monkey mind, as I put it. The jumbled mess of words in the mind until words, letters, and meanings are indistinguishable.
My mind has been in this state of confused chaos ever since school started. I've been trying to organize it all, though everything seems to be slipping through. I've been struggling with self-identity - what I am, how I write, who do I want to define myself as. Days blur into nights and weeks into the term. Words get muddled as I find myself dissolving. Oh, the sheer irony. (I chuckle blandly - I'm working on a research project about autonomy).
Before this age, before fourteen, I was prepared for this - the uncertainty, the self-doubt - but not this much. I always pictured it as raging hormones causing mad bursts of fury and unconstrained emotions. But this isn't it. I didn't lose it all (my lid's still on) and I didn't even get any mad bursts, even in the form of the much-common acne vulgaris. No, this came in the form of raging insides - the internal struggle, what I vie for, but my fingers can't quite grasp it.
Still, I'm getting by. Not by the most ideal of circumstances, no, but still, getting by with the thread. I'm still living, still breathing, still reading, still writing. A bit of a jumble, but I haven't taken any tumbles, fortunately.
Still, I carry on as always - baking, making, doing. Busying myself in the humdrum of everyday life and the like. Pandan has been eaten quite often of late, along with a few other rather traditional snacks. And since there's input, there's also output.
Today's recipe is of traditional flavors - pandan, coconut sugar (gula melaka), and coconut itself, along with some peanut and almond notes. (inspiration credited to Tiong Bahru Bakery, which had the most amazing of kouign amanns) Crunches are satisfying, and the color equally entertaining. I think you'd enjoy this as I did. Till next time.